Oh that you would rend the heavens and come down! (Isaiah 64:1)
Don't you feel that way sometimes? "Lord, if only you would just rip open the heavens and come down to me. Sweep me away in the arms of your love. Kiss me with the wine sweeter than what is known to man. Speak words of sweet, satisfying honey into my soul and my heart and I will be satisfied. Set my mind in places only you dwell!" Ugh!
This is my heart right now... Lord... come!!!!My heart is so broken right now... broken.. I mean crushed. You know how when you drop a glass whatever and it shatters into a million pieces, some big some small? You look at the big ones and they seem to be hopeful of placing it back together, but then you get to the teeny tiny ones and you kjnow there's no way you can mend it. That's where my heart is. But you know what I love about it? That means it takes Jesus to fix. It takes Jesus to put those shards together. I can't do it. And He LOVES to hear me say those words. I can't do it Lord...I need you... but above that.. Iwant you to do it.. I want you to fix me, fix my heart.
Trials... they are a coming... they are here. But with Christ, you can persevere through the storm, the chaos, the trials, because you know He won't allow these things to pass without pruning you to produce such sweet sweet fruit that heals the land!
Oh that you would rend the heaves and come down! That you would kiss me the kisses of your lips that are sweeter than wine... I love that about God. That you can have so much pain and sorrow and in one instance He comes and it's like He just kisses it all away with the sweetness of His love, His touch. Oh and He desires you beloved! Isn't that precious? That Jesus desires you... UH! He desires me...in the midst of my brokenness and anguish, he desires me... to be with me... to know me... to love me... to KISS me... to HOLD me, to tell me the sweetest secrets and treasures of His heart... to reveal himself to me. Oh I love Him I love HIm I LOVE HIM!
I pray where you are tonight you would encounter this love.
Also if you're reading... I'm going to be starting a fast in life... battling not only weight, but the demons and flesh that lie behind my weight...my gluttony and selfishness among other thinngs... so tune in if you like. And if you know Jesus... please be praying! I'll chat with you soon!
AZ
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Friday, July 3, 2009
A day with Switchfoot
yesterday we went out to work with La Zona Roja, an organization that works against prostitution here in Spain. This post isn´t about that experience...but rather a thought that has stuck since then. During our outting, I met a woman who said " what hope is there for me here?"
how many people feel this way: What hope is there for me? And so many people don ´t see the door out.. the road out... the gate that is Christ Jesus! This... this thought breaks me.
Today God really laid on my heart to listen to switchfoot and their beautiful letdown c.d. I really do enjoy this album... there´s a song that goes " this is your life are you who you want to be?" and it was so good to be lying on the beach in Spain and reflect on this and know that yes! yes I am! Do I mess up? oh yes! do I make mistakes? yes! Do I hurt others and myself? goodness yes.. is it hard sometimes? incredibly but do I have grace? AMEN! do I have a Lord who loves me? Hallelujah!! As I listened to this song.. it was so good to know without a doubt in my heart that YES I am who I want to be! Is thht because I´m perfect?... NO!!!! But I know Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. I have peace in any storm and a love that consumes me...I have a friend when all others leave.. i have a lover who loves me when I´m bitter, tough, mean, joyous, patient, whatever the circumstance... and I am following what I know to be His will for me to the fullest that He enables me... and that I am able.... and THAT makes me say yes.. I am who I want to be... are there things that I would change about me? Sure... but I´m human!
I pray taht whoever you are... that you would seek this.. .for now.. my time is up at the locotorio.. tiem for dinner! :) Love you much!
Shalom!
AZ
how many people feel this way: What hope is there for me? And so many people don ´t see the door out.. the road out... the gate that is Christ Jesus! This... this thought breaks me.
Today God really laid on my heart to listen to switchfoot and their beautiful letdown c.d. I really do enjoy this album... there´s a song that goes " this is your life are you who you want to be?" and it was so good to be lying on the beach in Spain and reflect on this and know that yes! yes I am! Do I mess up? oh yes! do I make mistakes? yes! Do I hurt others and myself? goodness yes.. is it hard sometimes? incredibly but do I have grace? AMEN! do I have a Lord who loves me? Hallelujah!! As I listened to this song.. it was so good to know without a doubt in my heart that YES I am who I want to be! Is thht because I´m perfect?... NO!!!! But I know Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. I have peace in any storm and a love that consumes me...I have a friend when all others leave.. i have a lover who loves me when I´m bitter, tough, mean, joyous, patient, whatever the circumstance... and I am following what I know to be His will for me to the fullest that He enables me... and that I am able.... and THAT makes me say yes.. I am who I want to be... are there things that I would change about me? Sure... but I´m human!
I pray taht whoever you are... that you would seek this.. .for now.. my time is up at the locotorio.. tiem for dinner! :) Love you much!
Shalom!
AZ
Saturday, June 27, 2009
A day alone in Spain...at last! :)
So today I took a day for me and God...and itwas good!!!I left Kels and Ash at the apartment around 12:30 and spent the next hour shopping. I then went and ate some deliciousness at a place called Pita Inn...had a lamb pita...SO good...and read a book for a while. After that, I stopped into a chocolate shoppe/bakery for an enrigo (homemade truffle...SO good) followed by a metro ride to beach,..only rather than making my way to the beach, I found a park full of grass and trees (a rarity is Spain) and spent some good time there with God. I finished a book my mama had given me called Sacred Pathways and figured out my 3 dominant ways I connect with God,as well as gained some insight into friends/family and how they relate with God...even in ways I don´t get.
Upon completion of the book, I put some of what I learned into action... My 3 most dominant traits are Contemplative,Enthusiast (which are both tied at #1), and Activist (falling as #2 by a point)....not too shocking. Contemplatives are those who love God through adoration (viewing God as their lover and as Father and Bridegroom and Friend predominantly). Enthusiasts are those who love God with mystery and Celebration..as the book says "if they theirhearts aren´t moved, if they don´t experience God´s power,something is missing" They´re also the cheerleaders and joyful celebraters. and Activists are those who love God through confrontation such as Elizabeth Fry, Lord Shaftesbury, William Wilberforce and John Wesley. None of these should be shocking if you know me. :) The book points out strengths and weaknesses of each path...so I spent time brainstorming good ways for me to recharge through these as well as areas to repent where I´ve missed the mark/fallen short in my weakness. It was REALLY good... especially when I took sometime to just be with God as a lover and husband...SO good for the soul. I also tooksome time to weep over some brokeness that the book drew out in me. A part of thea activist part says " the church has frequently had an uneasy relationship with activists and prophets. We fondly remember those who have died but often loathe those who are still living. this should lead the actiavist to love God all the more because God may frequently be his or her only friend!" I am an activist, to the core and there ahve been times where I´ve really felt like God is my only friend (although He´s been SO good at developing a great support system for me...my parents,my friends, and members of my church back home) or that people loathe me (and there are those who do...which is SO hard on my tender heart because I do love people so much and care so deeply for them). I realized I had some pain and bitterness from this.... it was good to start to go there with God and weep and mourn some of this (only i know there´s further to go..in God´s timing we´ll get there).
I also just spent some timepeople watching in thepark, and once again my heart was brought toweep and pray for the people of Spain... they are hurting and broken with no one tohelp....Please be praying for this country, this place. They are so broken and in need of the Savior! Pray for workers to come into the fields to bring forth the harvest!...God has hearts that are ready..we just need willing workers!!!!!! One little boy was really hard for me to watch.. he had to be about 3 or 4.. but his mom was ridden down with defeat... bitterness, pain, which reflected in the son as he played ball... he fell at one point while running and his older brother pointed and laughed at him and you could see the pain on his face. I wanted to run and hold him as his mom sat thereon the phone oblvious to what was going on...Knowing this wasnt an option I prayed for him and his family. I ask you to do the same...he was socute!
After the park, I went pack towards Las Ramblas to a cute little cafe by the metro,and spent some time planning, praying and thinking with God.... and God once again confirmed and grew in me the heart of evangelism and showed me where I really lacked boldness this last school year...AS I repented, God blessed me with ideas for both prayer and evangelismand showed me how closely both are linked in ministry... you can´t do evangelism without prayer.. they need each other. I´m excited to put together some intercessory teams for evangelismback at school!
Now I´m back at the apartment, waiting for Kels and Ash who have the keys... but it was an amazing day with God. Calm, relaxing, but good!
Hope your day finds you filled with grace, love, truth and the presence of Jesus Christ, our Lord.
Much love,
AZ
Upon completion of the book, I put some of what I learned into action... My 3 most dominant traits are Contemplative,Enthusiast (which are both tied at #1), and Activist (falling as #2 by a point)....not too shocking. Contemplatives are those who love God through adoration (viewing God as their lover and as Father and Bridegroom and Friend predominantly). Enthusiasts are those who love God with mystery and Celebration..as the book says "if they theirhearts aren´t moved, if they don´t experience God´s power,something is missing" They´re also the cheerleaders and joyful celebraters. and Activists are those who love God through confrontation such as Elizabeth Fry, Lord Shaftesbury, William Wilberforce and John Wesley. None of these should be shocking if you know me. :) The book points out strengths and weaknesses of each path...so I spent time brainstorming good ways for me to recharge through these as well as areas to repent where I´ve missed the mark/fallen short in my weakness. It was REALLY good... especially when I took sometime to just be with God as a lover and husband...SO good for the soul. I also tooksome time to weep over some brokeness that the book drew out in me. A part of thea activist part says " the church has frequently had an uneasy relationship with activists and prophets. We fondly remember those who have died but often loathe those who are still living. this should lead the actiavist to love God all the more because God may frequently be his or her only friend!" I am an activist, to the core and there ahve been times where I´ve really felt like God is my only friend (although He´s been SO good at developing a great support system for me...my parents,my friends, and members of my church back home) or that people loathe me (and there are those who do...which is SO hard on my tender heart because I do love people so much and care so deeply for them). I realized I had some pain and bitterness from this.... it was good to start to go there with God and weep and mourn some of this (only i know there´s further to go..in God´s timing we´ll get there).
I also just spent some timepeople watching in thepark, and once again my heart was brought toweep and pray for the people of Spain... they are hurting and broken with no one tohelp....Please be praying for this country, this place. They are so broken and in need of the Savior! Pray for workers to come into the fields to bring forth the harvest!...God has hearts that are ready..we just need willing workers!!!!!! One little boy was really hard for me to watch.. he had to be about 3 or 4.. but his mom was ridden down with defeat... bitterness, pain, which reflected in the son as he played ball... he fell at one point while running and his older brother pointed and laughed at him and you could see the pain on his face. I wanted to run and hold him as his mom sat thereon the phone oblvious to what was going on...Knowing this wasnt an option I prayed for him and his family. I ask you to do the same...he was socute!
After the park, I went pack towards Las Ramblas to a cute little cafe by the metro,and spent some time planning, praying and thinking with God.... and God once again confirmed and grew in me the heart of evangelism and showed me where I really lacked boldness this last school year...AS I repented, God blessed me with ideas for both prayer and evangelismand showed me how closely both are linked in ministry... you can´t do evangelism without prayer.. they need each other. I´m excited to put together some intercessory teams for evangelismback at school!
Now I´m back at the apartment, waiting for Kels and Ash who have the keys... but it was an amazing day with God. Calm, relaxing, but good!
Hope your day finds you filled with grace, love, truth and the presence of Jesus Christ, our Lord.
Much love,
AZ
Friday, June 26, 2009
As i sit here typing in Spain, I´m filled with such mixed, contradicting emotions... very much a Spirit versus flesh....
Whether you believe it or not, I doubt God so often.... I doubt if I do really know Him.. if when I hear Him it truly is Him... if I´m crazy for believing a God so incredible...most people laugh when i say these things... probably because i´m often the pillar of strength and faith... but I know my heart... and so does He... I love Him desperately... yet doubt...not Him... but me in the relationship of God and me. I know He is faithful, He is constant, He is good... but I... I am not... I doubt my giftings, my strengths, my calling... and He´s soooo good to constantly affirm me...
As i sit here in Spain... IN SPAIN... I doubt...
I have the gift of prophecy... God is affirming that in me.. but it´s SO hard for me to believe... to trust...to press into... even when things He´s spoken come to pass...Most would call me crazy if they knew that the number one reason I´m in Barcelona right now is because I believe a year and ahalf ago God gave me a vision and spoke to me through this vision saying that I would go to Barcelona Spain in the summer of 2009. Most would say I´m nuts if I said I knew over a year ago my sister woudl have another baby...or that I knew Aimee was pregnant before she told me.. or that I knew I was going to nationals before I ever even broke into a final round at my first tournament.... but I did... and that is not of me.. it´s of my Lord... Yet with all this... I doubt... I doubt my gift, my worth, my value, my love, my role, my calling (although EVERYONE seems to agree I´m called to be a missionary... doubt creeps in).
Please be praying for confidence... for affirmation...for trust.. for faith... for complete surrender to Him... I want to please Him, love Him, obey Him, worship Him, praise Him, rejoice in Him.... yet I have a deep wound that I know keeps me from doing these things to the fulness that He has for me... I know that this doubt is not from God... that it is an attack to keep me from Him... but it´s very real and I am in a very real, spiritual battle...
love you all! May God´s shalom rest upon your home and heart today... besos and amor!
AZ
Whether you believe it or not, I doubt God so often.... I doubt if I do really know Him.. if when I hear Him it truly is Him... if I´m crazy for believing a God so incredible...most people laugh when i say these things... probably because i´m often the pillar of strength and faith... but I know my heart... and so does He... I love Him desperately... yet doubt...not Him... but me in the relationship of God and me. I know He is faithful, He is constant, He is good... but I... I am not... I doubt my giftings, my strengths, my calling... and He´s soooo good to constantly affirm me...
As i sit here in Spain... IN SPAIN... I doubt...
I have the gift of prophecy... God is affirming that in me.. but it´s SO hard for me to believe... to trust...to press into... even when things He´s spoken come to pass...Most would call me crazy if they knew that the number one reason I´m in Barcelona right now is because I believe a year and ahalf ago God gave me a vision and spoke to me through this vision saying that I would go to Barcelona Spain in the summer of 2009. Most would say I´m nuts if I said I knew over a year ago my sister woudl have another baby...or that I knew Aimee was pregnant before she told me.. or that I knew I was going to nationals before I ever even broke into a final round at my first tournament.... but I did... and that is not of me.. it´s of my Lord... Yet with all this... I doubt... I doubt my gift, my worth, my value, my love, my role, my calling (although EVERYONE seems to agree I´m called to be a missionary... doubt creeps in).
Please be praying for confidence... for affirmation...for trust.. for faith... for complete surrender to Him... I want to please Him, love Him, obey Him, worship Him, praise Him, rejoice in Him.... yet I have a deep wound that I know keeps me from doing these things to the fulness that He has for me... I know that this doubt is not from God... that it is an attack to keep me from Him... but it´s very real and I am in a very real, spiritual battle...
love you all! May God´s shalom rest upon your home and heart today... besos and amor!
AZ
Monday, June 22, 2009
Behold the power of... worship?
25 Worship the LORD your God, and his blessing will be on your food and water. I will take away sickness from among you, 26 and none will miscarry or be barren in your land. I will give you a full life span. 27 "I will send my terror ahead of you and throw into confusion every nation you encounter. I will make all your enemies turn their backs and run. Exodus 23:25-27
Worship has been a common theme in my life lately... and I´m not sure what God´s developing in me. He´s showing me strength and power through worship, through song, through dance... and I do believe that I am called here...in some way... to lead worship or to worship or both. I know I fell the Spirit most powerfully in me when I´m singing... whether there is words or not. Perhaps it´s just the power found in worship, but I suspect there´s more.
It amazes me that in the old days, God sent his worshippers out to lead the battle... imagine being in war and sending musicians and dancers and singers and flag people out in the front lines..but that is what God did because there is POWER in his people´s worship of Him.. and He is glorified!
It´s a strange concept... but an incredible concept... for a taste of how this played out personally here in Spain.. check out barcelonamissions2009.blogspot.com for the story that sparked this.
For now, I leave you for a cup of vino and some chocolate! :) May God´s presence rest on you where you are... I love you dearly!
AZ
Worship has been a common theme in my life lately... and I´m not sure what God´s developing in me. He´s showing me strength and power through worship, through song, through dance... and I do believe that I am called here...in some way... to lead worship or to worship or both. I know I fell the Spirit most powerfully in me when I´m singing... whether there is words or not. Perhaps it´s just the power found in worship, but I suspect there´s more.
It amazes me that in the old days, God sent his worshippers out to lead the battle... imagine being in war and sending musicians and dancers and singers and flag people out in the front lines..but that is what God did because there is POWER in his people´s worship of Him.. and He is glorified!
It´s a strange concept... but an incredible concept... for a taste of how this played out personally here in Spain.. check out barcelonamissions2009.blogspot.com for the story that sparked this.
For now, I leave you for a cup of vino and some chocolate! :) May God´s presence rest on you where you are... I love you dearly!
AZ
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